The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. (Romans 8:16-17)
I used to read this verse and have a combination of the following questions mixed with extreme doubt, skepticism and disbelief:
Co-heirs?
Equal heirs?
Fellow heirs?
With Christ? Seriously?
So, let me back up a little bit…. Let me take you into my baggage and into my experience with love—past and present. I grew up thinking, and I still struggle with believing these lies today, that love is two things.
· Love has favorites.
· Love is conditional. . . I will never be good enough to earn or deserve or keep someone’s love.
I grew up enjoying being most people’s favorite. It was easy for me and I unknowingly fell into the trap of maintaining my “place” as the favorite.
My grandparents were everything to me and I was their favorite and I loved it. I felt secure in their love for me and secure in my place as the favorite. My Gran’ma, especially, was my world. She is who I associated (and still associate) unconditional love with. I knew because I knew because I knew that my Gran’ma would love me forever and always. I was her favorite. Her love was not going anywhere. Her death left a huge hole in my heart and I am still working on healing that hole because she was my unconditional.
However, I was her favorite and I was secure in being that favorite. I strived to be my parents’ favorite and my siblings’ favorite and my friends’ favorite—I feel very safe in the love of others if I know that I am the favorite—and I still find myself, today, struggling with being the favorite: my kids’ favorite, my parents’ and siblings’ favorite, my friends’ favorite . . . . it is an exhausting and never ending quest and it is a quest that is bound to fail.
I also grew up with a voice in my head telling me that love is conditional and that I have to be good enough to earn love. I have to be smart enough or selfless enough or pretty enough or fit enough or whatever enough to earn the love of those I wanted to love me. This voice was often an echo of things that people told me and it often mirrored the way that I felt like people treated me. And unfortunately, to this day, I still hear that voice and it seems to be screaming--not whispering--that I’m not good enough (whether it be for Andy’s love or anyone’s love, to be honest).
So, with my warped view on love, how was I supposed to believe Paul when he wrote that I would be equal heirs with Christ? I had absolutely no concept of that love and no belief in that kind of love. When I read that, I read it with a chuckle and some weird “understanding” that I wasn't really and equal heir with Christ, but that I was God’s daughter and he did love me, but just not quite as much as he loved Jesus. That was my belief and I was fine with that belief. Jesus could be the favorite and I was uncharacteristically fine with second best. Thankfully I did (and do) believe that God’s love is unconditional. I am so thankful that my love baggage never made that truth a lie.
In 2005, God laid adoption HEAVY on my heart. It became almost an obsession. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had always thought about adoption, but in ’05, I knew that God wanted me to adopt. The process was long and it was hard. It was full of ups and downs and excitement and heart break. Having biological babies wasn’t easy for us: we struggled getting pregnant and we lost three along the way. I was ready to dive in and follow God’s calling and adopt and it was hard!
What started as, you’ll have a little Chinese baby girl by Christmas of ‘06 turned in to years of waiting and crying and my heart breaking. How on earth was it so hard to get a baby when there are 143 million orphans? I felt the heart break of “adoption miscarriages” overwhelm me. It was sad, but my desire for another child through adoption grew even stronger. . . .
In the Spring of 2007, we changed directions and set our sights on Rwanda. A friend of a friend had a small orphanage and she had too many babies. Rwanda was just testing out international adoptions and I pounced! In June I got a picture of this sweet baby girl and I put 100% of my energies and efforts in getting to Rwanda to bring her home. She was my daughter and I hadn’t even met her yet.
Gabby’s adoption story from when I saw the picture in June until she was in my arms at the end of October was a wild ride. There were so many hoops to jump through and so much paperwork and so many unknowns because only a small number of babies had been adopted out of Rwanda before her. I was blazing new trails and I was a MAMA BEAR—all caps and do not mess with me.
In October I felt God telling me to get on a plane NOW. Our paperwork wasn’t finished in Rwanda and we were not officially approved, but I felt like I had to get on a plane at that moment. So I did. I booked flights to a continent I had never visited, all alone, and I left Dax and Andy at the airport with so many tears streaming down my face that a TSA agent consoled me and handed me a box of Kleenex. They were tears of joy and anticipation, but mostly tears of sheer terror! What was I doing? I was heading to Africa, alone, to pick up this baby girl. My family was perfect. I had three wonderful kids. What was I doing?!?!? We weren’t even approved to bring her home. Seriously, what was I doing?
But I got on that plane and went. My daughter was drawing me to her—that tiny six month old baby girl had a grip on my heart like nothing I had ever felt before and I was going to get her if it was the last thing I ever did.
I landed in Kigali after more than a day of traveling I was exhausted and I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I was so excited to get semi-settled in a new country and to take an Ambian that night before I met my daughter the next day so that I could be fully rested for what was headed my way. . .
When I walked out of customs, my baby girl was there!!! They put her into my arms and at that moment, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was my daughter and that I loved her equally as much as I loved Hays and Maggie and Dax. And, I knew in that moment, in that divinemoment, that God loved me just as much as He loves his Son, Jesus Christ. I loved Gabby with my entire being IMMEDIATELY.
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. (John 14:18) That was the draw of Gabby from around the world. I was not going to leave her. . . .
I refused to leave her as an orphan. I ran (flew) to her. And God feels that same way about me. So much so that He sent his only Son to earth to die for me.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
Even in my own sin, even though God knew I would fail continually, He sent Christ to earth for me. That is beyond humbling.
Gabby’s story wasn’t roses before or after that picture in the airport. She was six months old and had never seen a white person and I terrified her. For the next six hours, if I was holding her, she screamed out of fear and sadness (I imagine). If the guard at the house where I was staying would hold her (he was Rwandan), she was fine, but the minute he put her back into my arms, she would cry. Finally, she fell asleep in my arms, exhausted, and thankfully, when she woke up, she decided that I would do.
We all come to God’s family with baggage. We have hurt from relationships and we have preconceived notions of God and of love and preconceived notions about religion. We have images of love that are dripping with lies, like I did.
Gabby came to me as a baby girl who had been abandoned. Talk about your baggage.
Tiki came to me as a six year old boy who had seen abandonment and abuse and six years worth of things that I will never know about.
I came to God believing that love is only for the favorites and that love is conditional. I came to God believing lies about God’s love and about my own worth. I still come to God every day in a battle to get over those lies.
But while I was yet a sinner, He sent His only Son for me. He refused to leave me as an orphan. He pursued me relentlessly. I am co-heirs with Jesus and I am the daughter of my Abba Father.
He loves me.
He loves me.
I love Gabby fiercely. I love her as she deals with the pain and confusion of abandonment. I love her as she asks the hard questions. I love her. She is my daughter just as much as Maggie is my daughter. I cannot imagine loving anyone more.
I love Tiki fiercely. He has PTSD as a result of the baggage he brings to our family…. the baggage I cannot even imagine. But I love him. He is my son. I rushed across the world for him and I would take a bullet for him without thinking.
Gabby and I have a song, Better Place by Rachel Platten. I love listening to it with her.
There are three more songs that I love and that humble me so much when I think of them coming from God to me because I am His daughter and he is my Father. I can’t play them for you, but I am giving you the lyrics and I’d love it if you would download them and find a quiet place and hear God speaking His love for you.
When Love Takes You In
Steven Curtis Chapman
So Far to Find You
Casting Crowns
Spoken For
Mercy Me
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