Should've Said No. . . ?

Andy proposed during a curtain call of Me and My Girl, a musical in which he played an old man who went most of his life without telling the woman he loved that he loved her...

Twenty-three years ago today Andy asked me to marry him. . . .  he was my best friend and I thought he was the love of my life.  Should I have said no?

I don't know how many times I have now been asked a version of that question in the past couple of years and I cannot count the number of times I have asked myself that question over the past decade, but it is a dumb question with no great answer.

If I would have said no 23 years ago, I would have saved myself from so many tears and so much pain, but I would have missed so much laughter and so many exciting firsts and I would be such a different person. . . .

Because of this day, 23 years ago, I am who I am and I have so much to be thankful for.

Because of this day, 23 years ago, I have five of the best kids on the planet.  They are the continual highlights of my life and they are worth whatever heartbreak may come.  I cannot imagine forever with different kids.

Because of this day, 23 years ago, I have worn an abaya in Saudi Arabia and lived in the mountains of Colorado and run a triathlon.  I eat and like sushi.  I've ridden and crashed a road bike and a snow mobile.  I have laughed more times than I can count and I've reached out in the middle of the night knowing the comfort of not being alone many times.

Because of this day, 23 years ago, I have known betrayal and heart break like I could never imagine.  I have hurt so much it has felt almost unbearable.  I have cried more tears than I knew a human could cry and I have had to will myself to get out of bed more days than I care to count.  But I am a better person than I was 23 years ago.  I am braver.  I am stronger.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy of love.  I know that God is good ALL of the time and that He holds me in His arms always and pursues me the way I long to be pursued.

So, even though I don't really feel like celebrating this anniversary today, I cannot edit my past by thinking I should have said no (at least not by dwelling on it for too long) and I will not edit my life by deleting Instagram posts or tearing pages out of photo albums.  And I will not wish my yes that day away.  Andy is a huge part of my story and a huge part of who I am today.  I have spent more of my life with Andy in it than I did without him and that is something I never want to change.  I think that the hurt is still too raw to be able to admit that I'm thankful I said yes because in my humanity it feels like no would have saved me from all of the pain. . . .  I do know that isn't true.  I do know that I have so much to be thankful for because of that yes and I do believe that one day I'll be able to say with my whole heart that I'm thankful for that yes.

Life is full of so many would-a could-a should-a's. . . . I know that I cannot dwell there.  And someday, I hope, we will be able to laugh together again and love one another well (in a different way) as we get to enjoy many more first together like weddings and grandbabies and other wonderful moments that we will still share because of that yes twenty-three years ago today.  And just like the good times are a part of our story, so are the bad times and all of those moments have shaped me into who I am today and who I will be tomorrow and the past cannot be changed or edited, so I will choose to be thankful and count my blessings as I heal the broken pieces.

So to the "Should've Said No?" title. . . I'm not healed enough yet to say I'm glad I said yes, but I am healed enough today to be thankful for all of the wonderful times and things that yes has brought me and made me.  On that day, 23 years ago, I never imagined being where I am now, but I can look back on it and smile and the girl I was then: young, naive, happy and in love.