More from the book I am reading "Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child." I don't know if I agree 100% with all of this excerpt, but it is just comforting for me for some reason. Probably feeling the freedom to possibly not being overwhelmed by love at the beginning. I think I will be, but I often fear I won't be. . . .
For some parents, the initial adjustment period does not result in a loving attachment.
Experienced parents say that you must distinguish loving from liking and commitment. Most parents will tell you that love takes time. You may be committed to your child for months or even years before you truly love him. If your child hesitates to attach to you, you may find yourself holding back, too. But even if everything is progressing normally, love takes time, and a year or more is not that unusual.
Many experienced parents point our that you don't have to love a child to parent him. Parenting is about commitment and support. If you can concentrate on being a 'good enough' parent instead of a perfect one, you may be able to have a fulfilling relationship with your child even in the absence of strong love.
Sometimes parents have to change their definition of what love is. This may be especially true for people who have never been parents before or for those who always felt an instant connection to their other children. Some parents find that acting loving towards their children can jump-start those feelings. Parents point out that real love is shown in what a parent does, rather than what they feel.
. . . . Perhaps you are holding back because of the fear that your child will not really love you. . . .
For some parents, the initial adjustment period does not result in a loving attachment.
Experienced parents say that you must distinguish loving from liking and commitment. Most parents will tell you that love takes time. You may be committed to your child for months or even years before you truly love him. If your child hesitates to attach to you, you may find yourself holding back, too. But even if everything is progressing normally, love takes time, and a year or more is not that unusual.
Many experienced parents point our that you don't have to love a child to parent him. Parenting is about commitment and support. If you can concentrate on being a 'good enough' parent instead of a perfect one, you may be able to have a fulfilling relationship with your child even in the absence of strong love.
Sometimes parents have to change their definition of what love is. This may be especially true for people who have never been parents before or for those who always felt an instant connection to their other children. Some parents find that acting loving towards their children can jump-start those feelings. Parents point out that real love is shown in what a parent does, rather than what they feel.
. . . . Perhaps you are holding back because of the fear that your child will not really love you. . . .
Comments
Strangly, and I am not sure if I have said this before, but I think I felt more of a instant connection with my "older" adopted daughter then with my biological new born son. After all she could immediately interact with me. Of course the connection did certainlhy come with him as well. All forms of attachment take time.
Kari
Africainourhearts.blogspot.com