Andy proposed during a curtain call of Me and My Girl, a musical in which he played an old man who went most of his life without telling the woman he loved that he loved her... |
Twenty-three years ago today Andy asked me to marry him. . . . he was my best friend and I thought he was the love of my life. Should I have said no?
I don't know how many times I have now been asked a version of that question in the past couple of years and I cannot count the number of times I have asked myself that question over the past decade, but it is a dumb question with no great answer.
If I would have said no 23 years ago, I would have saved myself from so many tears and so much pain, but I would have missed so much laughter and so many exciting firsts and I would be such a different person. . . .
Because of this day, 23 years ago, I am who I am and I have so much to be thankful for.
Because of this day, 23 years ago, I have five of the best kids on the planet. They are the continual highlights of my life and they are worth whatever heartbreak may come. I cannot imagine forever with different kids.
Because of this day, 23 years ago, I have worn an abaya in Saudi Arabia and lived in the mountains of Colorado and run a triathlon. I eat and like sushi. I've ridden and crashed a road bike and a snow mobile. I have laughed more times than I can count and I've reached out in the middle of the night knowing the comfort of not being alone many times.
Because of this day, 23 years ago, I have known betrayal and heart break like I could never imagine. I have hurt so much it has felt almost unbearable. I have cried more tears than I knew a human could cry and I have had to will myself to get out of bed more days than I care to count. But I am a better person than I was 23 years ago. I am braver. I am stronger. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am worthy of love. I know that God is good ALL of the time and that He holds me in His arms always and pursues me the way I long to be pursued.
So, even though I don't really feel like celebrating this anniversary today, I cannot edit my past by thinking I should have said no (at least not by dwelling on it for too long) and I will not edit my life by deleting Instagram posts or tearing pages out of photo albums. And I will not wish my yes that day away. Andy is a huge part of my story and a huge part of who I am today. I have spent more of my life with Andy in it than I did without him and that is something I never want to change. I think that the hurt is still too raw to be able to admit that I'm thankful I said yes because in my humanity it feels like no would have saved me from all of the pain. . . . I do know that isn't true. I do know that I have so much to be thankful for because of that yes and I do believe that one day I'll be able to say with my whole heart that I'm thankful for that yes.
Life is full of so many would-a could-a should-a's. . . . I know that I cannot dwell there. And someday, I hope, we will be able to laugh together again and love one another well (in a different way) as we get to enjoy many more first together like weddings and grandbabies and other wonderful moments that we will still share because of that yes twenty-three years ago today. And just like the good times are a part of our story, so are the bad times and all of those moments have shaped me into who I am today and who I will be tomorrow and the past cannot be changed or edited, so I will choose to be thankful and count my blessings as I heal the broken pieces.
So to the "Should've Said No?" title. . . I'm not healed enough yet to say I'm glad I said yes, but I am healed enough today to be thankful for all of the wonderful times and things that yes has brought me and made me. On that day, 23 years ago, I never imagined being where I am now, but I can look back on it and smile and the girl I was then: young, naive, happy and in love.
Comments
I truly have learned there are no mistakes.... they are journeys that we travel, opportunities to grow and learn. Those times are what makes us! God knows! He knows! Beautiful and courageous you are!
You are clothed in strength and dignity. You will laugh, you will cry, but you live in Christ!!
I will always be thankful your journey included Colorado!
Love and prayers
Lori Ann
I too have been down this road! I would have bet my soul that it would have never been so but that is how strong sin and devil is!
I can say I am glad I said yes because I have 3 of the most incredible friends in my 3 adult children! Was it easy no it was not to raise them in the same town when Ron married 6 months later. Again I'm glad I stayed and raised the kids in Branson and in the Cougar Trails area. A community of Godly people helped and touched my children in this wonderful community. For that I am VERY GRATEFUL!
The week before Ron passed away he asked Todd and I to go to dinner as my college roommate contacted him through corporate office. We had not seen her in 40 years!
We said yes and rekindle a friendship and had one of the best times with Ron since our divorce! One week later he was gone... I don't think an old friend contacting us was just a coincidence I truly believe God used Tammy and Bryan to work a miracle of healing!
Time does help heal but I can also say I called Ron and told him this past summer that I forgave him for the pain that he had caused me. I had been listening to a Joel Olsteen and decided it was long over due. It was award but Ron said he did appreciate the call. I have felt a huge weight off my shoulders! I had carried this for 27years...
Feel a big hug and know that with our Lord's grace you can do ALL THINGS!!
PEG
Sadly, I can relate. I have also asked myself this question and struggled with the answer. Somedays I am so grateful and others, I wish my life had turned out differently. It isn't at all what I planned and the grief can sneak up on you, but I am glad I said yes. My "yes" is 7 and is the most precious boy. I thought I would find the love of my life in my marriage, but, it turns out, I found it in spite of it. He loves his mama and my ex and I have found a way to co-parent and get along. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is so painful. I know that God is good and works all things together for good. My Kanakomo training prepared me well for the storms life brings. I pray for your healing and know your strength and faith will carry you through.
Bonnie
Ever since I was 13 I have looked up to you! My sister and I had a life change at K-CO when we were finally able to go all the way from Florida. I remember watching Maggie when Kivu started during staff week. I came from a broken life, a lost life, and you gave me inspiration to live for Him! You’re Yes, changed my life and I cannot even imagine how many other lives. That Yes, saved me and I cannot even imagine how many other people. I am so grateful because of you my daughter is growing up in the church. That entrance to the Kingdom is worth that Yes. . - Allie C