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The Grief of a Stepmom

The grief of a stepmom.  This post has had so many titles:  The Invisible Grief of a Stepmom, The Silent Grief of a Stepmom, The Lonely Grief of a Stepmom. . . the grief of a stepmom is like no other grief because it feels so homeless.

My stepson died a few weeks ago.  

Marc and I have only been married eight months and Mackay, my stepson, lived in NYC and we rarely got to see him (he didn't get to come to the wedding or Cabo and didn't stay with us when he came to town), so I didn't have much of a relationship with him.  So there is a weird layer of loosing someone I hardly knew and I feel like that is the layer that makes the most sense to everyone. 

 While the family was mourning, I was the one organizing all of the meals coming in from our wonderful friends and neighbors, I was cleaning up one meal and setting up for the next.  I was keeping the house in order and making sure Marc was able to surround himself with the friends and family he needed to make it through the first couple of weeks of this massive tragedy.  I was keeping it all together so that Marc and the family had the space they needed to fall apart.  I was thankful to have a part to play behind the scenes.

Cards and condolences showed up for Marc.  People showed up for Marc.  I would greet them at the door and they would ask to see Marc.  All support was geared towards Marc and his loss.  Rightfully so.  He just lost his son!  I cannot even imagine the depth of the heart break of loosing a child. . . .

. . . . but I did loose a child.  In my vows, I promised to love Marc's boys as if they were my own children. (And I have 15 years of practice loving children who are not biologically mine.)  I've been emotionally invested in Mackay since the first weekend Marc and I started talking because Marc was in Connecticut at the time visiting Mackay.  I've been praying for Mackay as if he were my biological child.  I've been longing and hoping for a relationship with Mackay with so much of my energy since I knew that we would be family.  The "step" title is so impersonal.  We see it so distorted in Disney movies.  We hear "the red headed step child" as slang for our whole lives.  Just like some people think that an adopted child is loved on a lesser level, I feel like people attach step child to an even lesser level. . . . and so in the minds of everyone, I didn't really loose a child, I just lost a step child.  

And while my pain and grief has been nothing compared to Marc's pain and loss and grief and nothing compared to Mackay's mother's pain and loss and grief, I have still had pain and loss and grief and it has felt invisible and emotionally homeless and it has been so strange for me.

I'm mourning what I'll never have.  I hoped for and prayed for and longed for a relationship with Mackay and I'll never get to have that.  We will never have a family picture--ever.  There will never be a time when we are all together as a family--Marc and me and our seven kids and their spouses.  It is a huge piece of our story that is totally missing and I'm not sure what to do with that.  It is a strange feeling to have had a son (yes, a step son), that I didn't know.  It is a strange feeling that I had a son who didn't know me.  I had a son who I have only hugged less than five times, only had one phone conversation with and only shared one meal with.  It is strange to have a son who I tried so hard to build a relationship with and to have the hope for reciprocation in the future and to have that taken away.  (I've had three miscarriages and a failed adoption, so on some levels, I have felt that before, but this son was alive and well and just beyond my reach physically and emotionally.)

And I'm mourning the son I did have.  When people asked me how many kids I have, I said seven (and always felt weird because my daughter in law feels like a child of mine, too, and I feel like I should say eight).  In my heart, Mackay was my son.  Mackay was OUR son.  He wasn't mine biologically, but when Marc and I thought about our family, we thought about our seven kids.  At the wedding, I felt like our family was so incomplete because Mackay wasn't there.  In my heart, he is my son and I lost my son when Marc lost his son.  I wonder if my capacity to love Mackay so quickly and so completely was bigger because of Tiki and Gabby?  I don't know.  But both Walker and Mackay are my boys and I would have done (and did do) anything for Mackay because he was Marc's son, but also because he was mine.  And I think that is another level of my invisible and homeless grief.

Sometimes I just want to scream: MY SON DIED, TOO! because I feel like my grief is so unnoticed.  Sometimes I want to scream it because my grief seems so invalid to others.  People talk to me like I'm not the one who lost a child.  The cards and flowers coming to the house are all sympathy for Marc and his loss.  And, again, I feel like I need to explain myself. . . . I realize that Marc lost his oldest son and I understand all of the tragedy wrapped up in that.  I am not comparing my loss to his loss at all, not for one second.  My heart breaks for Marc and for Walker and for Mackay's mom and for the entire Johnson family.  This post is not to compare my loss to their loss--there is no comparison.  This post is just about how lost I feel grieving as a stepmom--please don't misinterpret my words!

It has been so weird to juggle part of my family (Marc and Walker) loosing someone and grieving deeply over that loss and then the other part of my family (Hays, Maggie, Tiki, Dax and Gabby) who aren't really grieving because they did not have a relationship with Mackay.  Their lives have gone on with hardly a bump and I have to continue being a good mom to kids not mourning, too.  Hays is dealing with his normal life, Maggie is planning her wedding, Tiki has his things, Dax has his life, Gabby has dance and I am the uber driver and chef and counselor and wedding coordinator and all of the roles a mom is for those five at the same time I have to care for the two hurting people in my home.  That has been strange for me to have part of my family grieving deeply and part of my family moving forward daily relatively unaffected.

I am dealing with so much grief that at times I don't know what to do with it all.  I'm dealing with my grief that I feel like I have to justify (even in my own blog) and my grief that feels so invisible to the world.  There is the grief of loosing a relationship I didn't really have, but longed for.  The grief of loosing my step son. . . . on top of that loss and sadness came something else that has added to the emotions of the situation. . . .

This part of the journey is ugly for me to admit to.  This part of the journey is painful for me to process.  I was in a marriage before where other women became the norm.  There was emotional and physical infidelity for most of my previous marriage and that left deep scars that heal more every day, which I can ignore on most days because the love I have in this marriage is so complete and so faithful and so real.  But this situation has triggered those scars and the memories of those wounds have sprung to the surface as Mackay's mom has become such a "normal" part of every day as we have been dealing with the loss of of the son that is hers with Marc.

My heart breaks for her each morning when I wake up and realize that she has lost her boy and I want to do everything in my power to serve her.  As soon as we got the news, I jumped into action to help. . . . and I likely overstepped my bounds in doing so and that that breaks my heart!  As she and Marc handle all of the details that come with loosing a child in general and loosing a child who is in college out of state, I am not apart of that process and that has been such a difficult trigger to not be involved as they two of them make plans.  As she mourns the loss of her son with his father and as she emotionally leans on Marc and shares her grief with him, I am triggered.  I want her to go find her emotional support from other people because I feel like she gave up the right to Marc's emotional support when she left him.  I know, it is SO UGLY.  I'm so aware of that!  I know that they share so much history through their children and they are sharing this grief because they lost their child.  But. . . . I see them falling into old patters as a family that weren't healthy then and aren't healthy now that the family situation is different and half of me wants to barge in a protect HIM from those patterns and part of me wants to rush in and protect ME!!!!

It is another layer to the pain that is so hard to deal with because it does seem so ugly and so selfish.  It is another layer of the pain that seems to isolate me because I am dealing with it without my partner.  I was talking to my brother about it the other day and that is what struck me:  Marc truly is my PARTNER in this marriage and that is one of the many things that sets this marriage apart.  I feel like an equal partner with him and he is quick to PROTECT me and my heart and his love for me overflows daily.  We have a love and a partnership that I really didn't know was possible and for which I am so grateful--and I think that is why this entire situation is so painful for me because in this loss, I feel like I don't have my partner and I don't feel like I have my protector.  Please know that he has been SO good to me in this.  When I shared these feelings with him, he was so kind and selfless and loving.  But he is grieving and he is hurting and he lost his son and she is needing him to meet some of her emotional needs as she grieves and I cannot imagine what a tough place he finds himself in every day having to deal with his own hurt, the details of loosing a child, the pain of his son's mother as her heart breaks and on top of all of that, the scars of his wife.  Poor sweet Marc (and then I immediately shame myself with how selfish this seems to make me. . . . but I need to find the balance between my hurt and my triggers and caring for them and the truth of needing to be the one to care for Marc in this time and give him the grace he needs and deserves).

That's a lot.  I feel selfish.  I feel like my heart is ugly.  But I am sad and I am hurting and my triggers almost paralyze me at times.  Loosing a child is so tough on marriages.  I read somewhere that 80% of marriages end in divorce after loosing a child.  So I know that it is hard on relationships.  I don't want to make it any harder by bringing in my baggage and my neediness.  But I need to be able to feel and appropriately express my feelings.  Marc and I need to be able to care for one another selflessly as we are both dealing with such personal pain.  (I know from the depths of my soul that we won't be in that 80%.  I only brought that up to acknowledge how hard it is on a relationship to lose a child.)  I need to continue caring for Marc and I need to probably care for myself more gently.  I also need to figure out how to care for Marc as his grief triggers me and as I feel isolated from plans and from the condolences of others.  I need to give everyone grace: Marc, others and myself!!!


Comments

Unknown said…
This is beautiful Jamie Jo. Thank you for sharing your heart. I pray God‘s grace over you. I can’t even imagine what you and your family are dealing with. Please know that since we’ve heard you and Marc both have been in our prayers. You are amazing woman of God and I know that you will come out of this stronger and more equipped to help those who feel pain in the future. As you process and grieve I encourage you to hold onto the promise that God will work this all together for good. I believe his hand is on your family. Thank you for sharing.
Daylene said…
Jamie Jo,

This is absolutely beautiful and authentic. Do not for a second apologize or feel bad for expressing your feelings. This a lived experience unique to you. Having been that woman whose husband sought another woman I can only imagine the triggers I would feel. Thank you for being so vulnerable with your expression. I pray for peace and comfort as you navigate this season of life. Love you, my friend.
CDLsixP said…
I've read this blog and pondered it several days now and I can't seem to let go of how bothered I am by the fact that you would choose to post such explicitly detailed information (names and personal information of others). I am curious.... Did you intend to alienate yourself further? I can only see this causing more problems for relationships that are so new and fragile at the moment. Did you intend to cause more hurt and distrust? New relationships in these type of situations are not easy to forge and may not come as easily as the love and “partnership” you have with your new spouse. You two want what you have, while all the others are by-standers trying to learn the new life created by the union. The last thing you want is to inadvertently hurt those you barely know or have yet to know.

Having been a step-mother myself and a step-child I am very much aware of the challenges and difficulties these new roles taken on can be even on a good day. I am familiar with what it looks like for a functional blending vs a non-functional (poorly) blending. In my own "private grief" a step-child was very ill with a condition that caused great strife. The nuclear family addressed and committed to the overwhelming task of therapies and care for the child, while myself and my own children were kept outside, all the while we were directly affected and were expected be keenly aware of how to show support for recovery (without being involved directly). The struggle and burden proved to be more than we were capable of handling. I can identify with the feelings of isolation and disregard for how things affected myself and my own kids. But I turned to step-parenting support groups and therapy, rather than to public blogging. I would have never shared private information so publicly (naming my kids, spouse, step kids specifically or referring to personal relationship challenges that occurred in a relationship you knew nothing about). I can't see how this blog, in the overall grand scheme of things, could possibly serve you in a positive manner. Consider taking it down before the damage is done.

I
CDLsixP said…
if I were one of the named individuals, I would be horrified to learn someone (my own family member) who should be trusted with intimate details of past relationships, current relationships and the mourning of a tragic loss would be so brazen to state such ill-advised opinions about it in a public forum for which others including children, friends and family of that past relationship could read. It is quite frankly disrespectful. It is lost on me how very little consideration is given by you to all those individuals who may find the content of the blog offensive. I am not discounting your grief or pain, I am questioning the motivation behind the post because of the intricate details included. Why not journal, seek therapy or join a step-parent support group?

I read the blog with a knowing compassion for the difficulties of what it is like to be a step-parent and navigating the relationships with new children added to the family and their nuclear family. Carefully towing a line of love and support while doing our best not to overstep the bounds of "our place". It was especially difficult for me having been a step-child that absolutely loves my parent and was gracious to have them become an active role in my life. But what I learned and what must always be at the fore-front is that the KIDS never asked for their parents to split or to have all these new people become part of their world. It is NOT realistic to have a Brady Bunch experience and it is certainly not possibly to love a child as your own in such a short period of time. You loved the idea of loving the children of your spouse with an open heart and those are beautiful intentions. Love grows over time for our children by knowing them, sharing experiences together and making memories. It is with that said, that I can't help but think your "silence grief" is for something you never had with your spouse and their child. Nothing wrong with that as it is an act of love toward your spouse to love their children to the same capacity. But now the perfect world of the blended family that was once fantasized about is no longer the reality of your new life. That is the grief you have and the grief that any women with children would naturally have out of compassion for another mother who lost not only their child but a child who’s life had just begun. I applaud your many disclaimers but they fall short and the blog still leaves me with the sense of … “a woman looking to gain sympathy” for a loss that pales in comparison to their own spouse and all the others who knew the young man.

This is not about you, which in no way should be interpreted as what you are experiencing is not valid, but this is the time that you should remain in the background and finding your support privately, leaning on your own friends, journaling, working through YOUR own scars and doing your own work. That can only make you a better spouse for your spouse by giving him the confident woman who is self-reliant and strong enough to allow them to lean on you. Then when it is appropriate you can lean on them. I strongly urge you to take the blog down and work through all of this privately.

I wish you and your family all the best,
Step-daughter and mom
TetraBlue said…
The two last posts, are spot on with my thoughts. I am however not so kind with my words. I think your a selfish,self centered jealous, individual that needs psychiatric help. With this type of situation, you need to know your place. Stand in the back and shut it.Be there for your husband. The other " family matters" at that time were NOT your business. He was NOT your son, or flesh and blood. For a God fearing woman, you make me laugh. This blog/ statement has shown no mercy, no compassion,no love , and definitely is not helping with any type of peace, it's all about you and your feelings. How dare you judge anyone or say anything so personal in their time of mourning.
I don't wish you well, you don't deserve it.
DG@8802 said…
I was informed about this post and was sickened when read it. I hope and pray that the Mother (The REAL Mother) never observes it. I’m going to take the high road and be as polite as I can - Please take it down. I cannot imagine what the family is going through, but this is extremely selfish. It was admitted above that you barely knew the young man and by the way he is NOT your son. Be there for your husband and stop thinking about just yourself. Again I can’t say what I’m really thinking and wish the family all the prayers for their tragic loss.
RJ Frasier said…
I guess I would start by saying, Why? Why would you write things that could be so hurtful to people experiencing genuine loss? Why would you actually use names that allow it to be searched by these same people who are hurting? Why does this post even exist?

There is a technique that is used for feelings of anger, hate, sadness, or even grief that would be recommended by any therapist, or at least, anyone that has any form of thoughtfulness. Write a letter, on paper, express all the feelings that you have pouring out over whatever it is that you may be going through. Then, sleep on it, and read the letter again the next day. After you read it, you know what the right thing is to do… you throw the letter away. You are right, expression of feelings can be ugly and hurtful, especially for those who have experienced true loss. That’s why you throw the letter away.

I’m sure you are a good person and never intended to inflict pain on those who have lost a child that was conceived of their own flesh and blood. This is a bond that can’t be explained, and unfortunately can’t be understood. Even if you have birthed a child, and lost them after they are grown, now is not the time to tell someone who is currently going through such grief that “you know how they feel”. In a time of such loss, it isn’t about you, it’s about them. It is never about you, even though you feel triggered or affected. You give your condolences, express your sorrow, and respect their privacy.

If you are concerned that everyone needs to know how you feel about the loss of a stepchild that you didn’t truly know, then this is a great post.

However, if you are concerned about how your husband and his ex-wife feel about the loss of their son, and how this grief continues to affect them, well, then this is a terrible post.

This loss… is it about you, or about two people who lost their child that they invested 20+ years in raising together?

So, let me ask you again, why does this post even exist? Please, throw this letter away out of respect for their loss.
Unknown said…
I have no words. As the mother who has lost a son, all I see is selfishness here. How disgusting that you would vomit all this out on a public forum for all to see? This post is SO SO harmful. You need to talk about these things with a therapist and NOT in a public blog post. I feel so sorry for your husband and his ex-wife.

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