Recovering P31

What?  A recovering P31?

Proverbs 31 describes the wife of noble character.  This wife gets up early and works hard all day long and isn't even tired when she finally retires from all of her work at night.  She is a servant to her husband and she makes him proud.  She is a fantastic mom and I'm sure, if there was Pinterest in the day, she would be the Pinterest-y-est of the moms.  She isn't afraid of hard work and she has the pantry stocked in the case of an emergency and she has her family ready for cold winters, famine and hard times.  She helps strangers and loved ones alike and she has her sights set beyond herself.  Her husband praises her and her children are grateful for her and call her blessed.

Oh my gosh!  What a great lady!  I want to be like her!  So why am I a recovering P31 and why am I writing about it now when I'm not even a wife?

(For starters, I think this kind of noble woman is a goal regardless of any woman's marital status, so let's take that off of the table.  I'd reckon that a single mom has all of that to aspire to as well--just not the husband praising her part.)

Today I got invited to a woman's Bible study and the topic was P31.  I was a guest at the Bible study, so it gave me time to reflect internally instead of participating in the discussion. . . . and I realized that that's what I am. . . . a recovering P31.

Back in the day, I Mary and Martha-ed the heck out of being a wife and being a mom.  I would pour into my husband and my kids emotionally and strive to meet all of their emotional needs like Mary.  I would sit at their feet and be at their beck-n-call (not always, but it felt like a lot).  All the while, being the best Martha P31 on the planet (STRIVING)  I would get up early and have breakfast ready and the lunches packed (sometimes with notes of encouragement and heart shaped sandwiches), I'd get the kids ready for the day (usually while my husband was sleeping) and we would all get out the door. . . . I'd come home and do my job and clean the house in time to start the afternoon of carpooling to and from after school activities (typically different activities for all five kids) and I'd grab friends kids on the way.  I'd have dinner served and pick up the late activities and have all the kids in bed early with a quiet and clean house.  Then I'd get some more work done and go to bed.  The next morning I'd get up and do it all again and I'd have snacks ready for church and dinners ready for friends in need.  My husband traveled a lot and I was a single parent often in my marriage.   I supported his dreams and supported him working out of town and out of the country.  There were many years that I would hold one or two side jobs so that we'd have money for extra activities and fun trips (and some years just to put food on the table).  I prided myself in having so many plates spinning and being in tune with my kids hearts and being supportive of my husband's dreams.

And there is the beginning of my problem.  I PRIDED MYSELF IN. . . . PRIDE.  My motives were so jacked up.  I was all of those things for pride.  I wanted my husband to call me blessed.  I wanted my kids to be grateful for me.  I wanted others to be in awe of how I proficiently I kept all of my plates spinning.  And if I wasn't being amazingly "noble" for my own pride, then I was being amazingly "noble" as a martyr.  Look at me doing it all by myself while my husband follows his dreams.  Look at me with my five kids and me having multiple jobs.  Oh poor wonderful me.  And more often than not, I was being this amazingly wonderful wife and mom out of FEAR!  I was scared to death that Andy would find something better out there if I wasn't holding it all together on the home front.  I was so scared that I would be replaced or not valued or not loved and I worked my tail off at being this amazing P31 woman--both Mary and Martha--because I was scared to death of loosing my husband and of having my kids not love me.

Yes, there were times that I was this woman because I was overflowing with God's love.  There were seasons in my life that I was walking so closely with God that I was confident in myself because I saw myself through His eyes and; therefore, I worked out of abundance.  But if I am perfectly honest, typically I was P31 out of pride and fear.  I worked so hard for the wrong reasons and I worked so hard out of my own strength and I WAS EXHAUSTED and I was overwhelmed and I felt unappreciated.

So I stopped.  About five years ago, I just stopped.  I stopped spinning a million plates.  I stopped trying to be everything for everybody.  True, I was protecting myself from a marriage that was falling apart and I withdrew to protect myself, but when I first stopped, it wasn't for protection, it was to just stop because I realized that I was doing it for me and not because I was overflowing like the woman written about in Proverbs.  I didn't stop for the right reasons, I stopped because I was exhausted.  I stopped because I wasn't appreciated.  I stopped because there was no joy, it was just hard work and I was just a martyr.  All of my plates were crashing to the ground.

(Again, all of this really just dawned on me today during Bible study, so it clearly wasn't premeditated.  And, while I'm using parentheses, please know that I'm not saying that I was the perfect wife and mother.  I wasn't.  I'm not.  But I tried so hard and I failed mostly.)

So I'm a recovering P31--recovering from my wrong motives.  Recovering for doing my work for "man" and not for God.  Recovering from wanting to be praised by others.  Recovering from being great out of sheer terror.  Recovering from all of that.

Do I want to be a woman who works hard and provides for her family?  YES!  But I want to be that woman out of the abundance of joy overflowing from my heart.  And I can't do that without taking time to fill up my heart with God's joy and peace.  I need to pursue Him and know Him more so that I can overflow and be that woman out of ABUNDANCE and not out of my own wavering "strength."

I don't have the answers at all.  This isn't a post about that.  This is just my honesty about how I was trying selfishly.

One day a husband will have confidence in me and brag on me and one day my children will call me blessed, but those will be a byproduct of me working and loving out of my overflow.  I will be confident in myself because I am God's beloved.  I will serve my family because the fruits of my love for Christ will be produced out of where I am rooted--in His Word and in His grace.

This morning was a good reminder that producing fruits out of the abundance of my heart is so much more beautiful and helpful compared to striving out of fear and pride and false self-serving motives.  Was I a good wife?  Sometimes.  Was I a prideful martyr?  Often.  I worked my tail off being perfect and I failed failed failed failed.  I won't ever be perfect, but I want to produce fruit.  I want to be a P31.

So, I'm recovering from being the wrong kind of P31 and prayerfully I will be a healthy P31 at some point in the future.  Baby steps one day at a time for the right reasons and because I am overflowing with the joy of Christ.