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If They Only Knew

I want to start this post by addressing my parents.  Mom and Dad, I don't know how you did it.  I don't know how you just put your left foot in front of your right foot every day as I'm sure I went through this stage that Hays is in. . .knowing how much you loved me and watching me feel like you were against me.  I'm sorry.  Thanks for loving me more than I ever knew.  Thanks for wanting the best for me.  Thanks for sticking with me.  Your love is big and somewhere in the back of my head I knew that then, but I for sure (now more than ever) know that now!  I love you both!

IF THEY ONLY KNEW!  My heart breaks on days like these. . .days when I love Hays so so so so so so much and he thinks that I don't.  Maybe I have asked him to clean his room one too many times or maybe I have gotten on to him for fighting over the front seat in the car one too many times or maybe I have mentioned that I am thinking of taking Maggie with me to India in the fall (because he got to go to Rwanda with me two years ago).  The reasons vary, but the reaction is the same.  He shuts me out and I know exactly what is going through his head (because it went through mine twenty years ago), "Mom doesn't like me, she likes _______ better, she is always mad at me, I wish I could run away so that she would see how much she would miss me."  Okay, I'm not sure he is thinking all of that.  I may have been more melodramatic in my head then he is, but then again, maybe not.  All of that to say, I know what he is thinking.  I can see it in his eyes, in his face, in his body language.  I can feel it with the silent treatment I get.  And when it gets to that point, it doesn't matter what I say or do.  He is there in his head in his self-imposed pity party and I get it.  I hate it, but I get it.

It makes me so sad because I don't think I could love another human being the way I love Hays.  He is my first.  And nothing can compare to that.  There is no love like the love I have for Hays, my first born; my first love at first sight; my little man.  I love him.  I adore him.  He means the world to me.  And it makes me sad to think that he is in his own head right now thinking those yucky things about me and about the way he is pretending I feel about him.

A few years ago I blogged that Heather Headley's song "I Wish" is my song for Hays.  And it so is.  (They lyrics are below.)  They catch my feelings for him so well.  I wish him so many big and great things, but I also hope that he doesn't miss out on the little things or the seemingly bad things because in those times are when he will be able to appreciate the big times!  Read for yourself:

by Heather Headley

I'd give you the moon
But you'd never know the warmth of the sunshine
I'd give you the world
But exactly what would that do?

I'd promise you wings to fly
But how would you ever learn to run?
So I wish you all you need to be than I could be
This is what I wish for you

I wish you rainy days
So you can know the beauty of a clear blue sky
I wish you falling leaves
So you understand that seasons change

And if I gave you the mountains would you learn to climb?
I pray you'll always see the forest through the trees
This is what I wish for you
This is what I wish for you

If I could I'd say the word
And chase your fears away
And I'd stay right by your side
And point the way that you should take

But this is your life
This is your story
And when all is done and said
Say you lived with no regret

I wish you ocean breeze
And rivers that bring you everything you need
I wish the air you breathe
Is all that you'll ever need

And I wish you nights of love
And days of joy and shoulders when you cry
And just enough hellos to get you through goodbye
This is what I wish for you

I pray one day you'll have a home
With arms that open wide
And you'll have someone who loves you
Always by your side

And when you lose your will to try
I wish you wings to fly, I wish you wings to fly
I wish you everything you need
This is what I wish for you, this is what I wish for you

That pretty much sums it up. . .with a zillion "I love you, Hays!!!" between each line and each verse!  Letting them grow up is so hard.  My heart is about to burst every day with love for my boy--for all of my kids.  And it aches so much when I know that he thinks anything less, but I do know that it is all part of the growing up process.  But oh, how I wish he knew how deep and abounding my love and my wishes for him are!  Wow!  He'd be blown away!  I LOVE YOU, HAYS!  Someday you will truly get it!  (And in advance to Maggie and Tiki and Dax and Gabby. . .this applies to all of you.  My love is BIG and my hope for each of you is big.  You, along with Andy, are the six most important people in my life and I would give everything for every single one of you!  BIG LOVE!)

And again, thanks and sorry Mom and Dad!  I love you both and I know, without a shadow of a doubt that you love me big in return!


~ko said…
Oh Jamie Jo this made me cry! We have all this ahead of us and I'm very thankful that you share the nitty gritty of life. You inspire and encourage me with every post. On a side note, India? Do share! This is one of the three countries we are praying about adopting from!

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