Skip to main content

Who Am I?

So, today I was challenged to figure out who I actually am.  Andy and I were sitting in our counseling session (I know, hard to believe that we are not perfect like Adam and Eve pre-apple, but we aren't) and the counselor was allowing me to reveal (nice way to put it) how I am such a people-pleaser and how afraid I am of not being "good enough" and so forth and so on.  So with those revelations, he (the counselor) pointed out that no one knows the real me. . .and that I probably don't even know the real me.  I sat on that for a second and realized that that truly is true.  Who the heck am I?

When I take away the need to keep everyone happy and when I take away my constant fear of not being good enough (what does that even mean) for anyone (even myself?) it leaves me with what?  What do I like to do. . .really?  What would my day look like if I lived for me (in the healthy way, not in the selfish-me-first-pleasure-seeker way)?  What is my real personality like?  Who am I really?

Whenever I try to answer one of those questions, I can always dissect my answers into the fact that I am being "that" thing in order to keep someone else happy or in order for someone else to like me.  For example:  what do I like to do?  I really enjoyed our biking trip to Moab, but I liked it because it made the family happy and because I felt like Andy was proud of me for being a mountain biker.  Did I really like biking just for me?  Not really.  But I did like it for the reasons listed above.  So, in the search for "real me," do I like to mountain bike with the family in Moab or not?  Hummmmm. . . . . ?  Or, what would my ideal day look like?  I originally answered that question with the thought that I wouldn't get out of bed and I would watch the dumb TV shows I like all day long.  I actually don't think that would be my ideal day every day and I would probably get bored after about an hour. . .and I would hate not helping my kids get ready for school in the morning and I would feel lazy and pathetic and. . . . .

I asked my brother today who he thinks I really am verses the me I have portrayed or become or conned myself into being.  After I threw a couple of "ideas" out there, he concluded that I am really mean.  (One of the "things" I threw out there was mean and off the cuff and something I wouldn't say if just anyone was listening, but I don't truly believe that I am mean. . .at least not all the time.)

I told the counselor that I love to serve Andy.  He responded that he thought it was because of my fear or my people pleasing.  I'm trying to think about that.  On one hand, yes, that is most likely true.  But on the other hand, I really believe that I like to serve Andy.  But how do I know if that is the real me or the me I have become due to my "issues"?

And then as I am trying to figure out who I "really" am, I am wondering if it is good to be who we "really" are.  If we all acted like we "really" are, this world would be full of selfish people.  How to you be true to yourself, but still exist in a world where you should think of others needs instead of your own?  I believe that you should make choices with others in mind, but does that mean I am not being who I truly am?

Weird?   Deep?  Nonsense?  Confusing?  Should have kept it to myself?  I don't know.  I have also been accused in the last week or so (by the same two people mentioned above, my brother and my counselor) that my blogs are always so happy and so positive, so I thought I'd throw this one "out there."  Here's to being real.  Here's to "who am I?"  Here's to living for myself without being selfish or self-focused or self-centered.  Here's to being comfortable in my own skin and realizing that I don't have to please everyone all the time.  Here's to believing that those who love me and who I love will not run when things aren't always rosy.  Here's to me. . .even though I honestly have no (or little) idea who "me" actually is right now.

Please don't ridicule me and please don't pump me up with advice or encouragement or slander me or preach to me or whatever.  I am just putting my thoughts out there for me.  I feel like in the times that I am really honest on my blog, I am not the only one feeling this way and sometimes my weirdness will make someone else feel a little less weird.  I know I am not the only person feeling this way!!  I know I am not the only people pleaser!  I know I am not the only person living in fear.  So there you have it.  A glimpse into the mystery of who the real me is.

Darren, my counselor, said, "Will the real Jamie Jo please stand up" and that made me laugh because as some of you know, I was on "To Tell The Truth" many years ago and I lost!  (On "To Tell The Truth" they say, "will the real ___________ please stand up". . .that is why it made me laugh.)  So, I am trying to discover the "REAL" Jamie Jo so that I can stand up and LIVE my life to the fullest!

Comments

MarytheKay said…
Several years ago, I had a counselor ask me what were the hobbies I used to enjoy (pre-Dave), and what things did I use to LOVE, but no longer do??

I kept a notebook beside my bed, and started making a list whenever I remembered something. It was really interesting the things I had forgotten...

I have since then made baby steps, trying to add in a few of those things I used to love.

I also keep a notebook with a running list of "Things I Love". It's nice to go back and remember things 6 months ago, 1 year ago, that I love--little things, like real hot chocolate, a good book in bed, piano music, reality t.v. :-) etc...
"Meck" said…
JJ - we love you just the way you are....weirdness and all :)

The Mecklenburgs
Rachel Sparks said…
Transperancy and realness are two of the things that you showed here and that you have always showed in your life. You have taught me so much about being real and I admire that in you so much!

Popular posts from this blog

The Grief of a Stepmom

The grief of a stepmom.  This post has had so many titles:  The Invisible Grief of a Stepmom, The Silent Grief of a Stepmom, The Lonely Grief of a Stepmom. . . the grief of a stepmom is like no other grief because it feels so homeless. My stepson died a few weeks ago.   Marc and I have only been married eight months and Mackay, my stepson, lived in NYC and we rarely got to see him (he didn't get to come to the wedding or Cabo and didn't stay with us when he came to town), so I didn't have much of a relationship with him.  So there is a weird layer of loosing someone I hardly knew and I feel like that is the layer that makes the most sense to everyone.   While the family was mourning, I was the one organizing all of the meals coming in from our wonderful friends and neighbors, I was cleaning up one meal and setting up for the next.  I was keeping the house in order and making sure Marc was able to surround himself with the friends and family he needed to make it through the

Should've Said No. . . ?

Andy proposed during a curtain call of Me and My Girl , a musical in which he played an old man who went most of his life without telling the woman he loved that he loved her... Twenty-three years ago today Andy asked me to marry him. . . .  he was my best friend and I thought he was the love of my life.  Should I have said no? I don't know how many times I have now been asked a version of that question in the past couple of years and I cannot count the number of times I have asked myself that question over the past decade, but it is a dumb question with no great answer. If I would have said no 23 years ago, I would have saved myself from so many tears and so much pain, but I would have missed so much laughter and so many exciting firsts and I would be such a different person. . . . Because of this day, 23 years ago, I am who I am and I have so much to be thankful for. Because of this day, 23 years ago, I have five of the best kids on the planet.  They are t

Mother's Day Thoughts

I've been feeling so many Mother's Day feels this weekend.  For starters, my big kids came home to surprise me and that was the most wonderful thing!  I remember Mother's Day 2017 when I cried because Hays was a Senior in high school and heading to Texas A&M and I thought it would be my last Mother's Day with my five all together. . . . and yesterday proved those tears unnecessary!  And then, as if that wasn't more than I could ever wish for, Marc spoiled me like I have never been spoiled before.  I am consistently blown away and humbled by how much he appreciates me and shows me his appreciation with words, gifts, acts of service and more.  I am so grateful for this husband of mine and the way he loves me and shows our kids what selfless love is supposed to look like! But even before yesterday, I've been thinking a lot about all of the different dimensions of motherhood I now experience and it is shaping me into a new and stronger and more compassionate and