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Soul Food

Oh (said quietly with a big relieved sigh). Tonight was so much more than I knew I needed. Last week a girl that I sort of knew through our adoption fellowship group invited me to a Bible Study. And against all of my insecurities about going to a strangers house to spend the evening with a bunch of other strangers who all knew each other, I went. My spiritual journey has been SO DRY here in Colorado and I was so desperate that I put aside my insecurities and just went. . .I actually almost ran. I was desperate for the fellowship and for the teaching (it is a Beth Moore study and I already knew that I get tons out of her studies).

So, on top of the refreshingness (is that a word? I don't think so.) of having girl time and a Bible study, the icing was that the study just made sense. It hit home. It struck a cord. The clouds parted and the angels sang down. However you want to say it. . . . It was so what I needed to hear!

And here is some of what I learned:

From my distress, I called up on the Lord;
the Lord answered me and set me free.
The Lord is for me; I will not fear;
what can man do to me?
Psalm 118:5-6

It is better to take refuge in the Lord
Than to trust in man.
Psalm 118:8


Verses I have heard a zillion times. Right? Right. But tonight, here is what God spoke to me through those verses I have read before. I don't usually consider myself a person in bondage. When I hear people talking about needing to be free, I don't usually count myself in that group, but Beth Moore said something to the effect that fear (among other things she listed) can be an addiction and therefore bondage. I don't really feel "addicted" to fear per say. . .I don't feel like I have to have fear to survive, but lately fear has been apart of my life like an addiction. Not typical fear like the house burning down or the car crashing or a crazy person with a gun going into my children's schools but the fear of not being good enough the fear of loosing Andy emotionally the fear of not measuring up the fear of. . .you name it. I have been struggling with FEAR!

So back to verses five and six. I am in distress right now in my situation and I need to call up on the Lord. . .I need to CALL UPON HIM! His answer to me will be to set me free! Free from what? Free from fear! Why fear all of those things (and more) that I listed above and why fear man (Andy? Friends? Family? Whoever.) and how badly "man" can hurt me or how many times "man" can reject me? I can be set free from my fear because God is for me. The Lord, "I AM," is for me, so why do I fear?

Then Beth Moore went on to talk about how we get satisfied in our "stronghold management." I feel satisfied with the fact that I seem to be able to "manage" my stronghold (fear) on my own. I am satisfied that my fear isn't gone, but I am managing it on my own. Almost like I am physically holding it at bay. . .and sometimes I become prideful in my "ability" to hold my fear at bay. But then something comes up (like maybe my kids annoying me) and I have to take my hands off of my "managed" fear in order to "handle" this new problem and then the small and "managed" fear becomes this huge giant because my hands let go. I'm not sure, as I am typing, if that makes sense outside of the study, but that really hit home to me.

If I am just managing my fear, then I am not living an abundant life. I am just living "as is." I truly can live abundantly in freedom, but sometimes I allow myself to become satisfied with the "as is," with the "management" of fear instead of the freedom from it. I need to not be satisfied with "as good as it gets" but I need to want to live abundantly!

I will not die, but live,
And proclaim the works of the Lord.
Psalm 118:17

This is the Lord's doing
It is marvelous in our eyes.
Psalm 118:23


When I finally get on the other side of this pain and this fear and this bondage, then I will be able to proclaim what the Lord has done. It is a PROCESS. Healing is a PROCESS and it is a process that develops intimacy with the Lord. But on the other side of this, God is going to get all of the glory! I can't wait!

I need to have (and allow myself to have) joy unspeakable. "Rejoice" means "spinning around joy." I will be able to proclaim that my freedom is the Lord's doing!

Make me hear joy and gladness,
let the bones which you have broken rejoice.
Psalm 51:8


So, all of that. . .the fellowship and the new friends and the GOOD NEWS. I am totally amazed by the fact that I left that study feeling better than I have felt in months. I know that it is a process, but I feel like I am on the road to freedom that I didn't even realize I needed! I will be free from fear and therefore I will be able to trust, I will be able to like myself, I will be able to hold things and relationships loosely, and on and on. I feel like it is dawn and the light is coming. I will be free and the Lord will get the glory!

Tonight was SOUL FOOD! Food my soul needed! (Thank you, Leslie, for inviting me!)

Comments

Unknown said…
beautiful in so many ways. thank you for sharing. (and as for enjoying that blizzard...we are. as best as we can.)
You said that all just right. Can I come w/ next time!?
"Meck" said…
JJ - great word sister. We have been talking about fear lately as well (coincidence?) in our life group.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Romans 8:31
For if God is for us, who can be against us?

****What you fear, reveals what you value the most. Also, what you fear reveals where you trust God the least.******

Psalm 34:4
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

John Wesley Quote:
"I have never known more than fifteen minutes of anxiety or fear. Whenever I feel fearful emotions taking over me I just close my eyes and thank God that He is still on the throne reigning over everything and I take comfort in His control over all the affairs of my life."

Great word JJ...WE SHALL OVERCOME!
Karis Harber said…
Jamie Jo- my name is Karis and I was friends with Kim McCann at Baylor, you may not remember me, but we had met back when! ;) All that to say I stumbled on to your blog through a friend growing up, I'm not sure how she knows you?. To start out your family is precious!! But I am blown away how open and real you are about life, it's really touched me in my life. I have had a hard couple of years since we moved away from TX and I've needed to hear alot of what you have shared, so THANKS! God is good! Karis

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